[Posted by E&C on 01 Jan 2011 03:48 pm]

Perhaps my fondest memory of Halloweens gone by was at the end of the night, when we were done looting our neighbors for the year, my brother and sisters and I would sit in a circle with our plunder and barter candies with one another.  Ostensibly we were trying to unload the treats we didn't dig for the more coveted snacks, but we all ended up making deals we knew to be fiscally irresponsible simply to help out a sibling who had a strange affection for, say, Tootsie Pops.  When my older sister felt she had gotten too old to trick or to treat, she would still sit around with us and barter using the remains of the candy my parents had been handing out.  Even at age six or seven, I felt that I had as much legal right to that particular set of sugary goodness as did she, but we still let her play because the process matters more than the outcome.  The point was never really candy; it was congress.

And now that I find myself in a place in life where I can buy all the candy I want, I find that none of them taste nearly as awesome as did those begged and bartered confections.  The only way to get back to good that I can see here, would be to dress up in costume, with my face obscured, and rob a fucking CVS.  And when I'm arrested, I will sit around with my lawyer and the district attorney and try to trade snickers for jail time.

It's really my only option.

Have a safe and fan-fucking-tastic holiday, kids.  And at the end of the night, remember that your teeth are the best friends you've got.  You take care of them, and they'll take care of you.

Get a beverage of your choice and BOO!

E